Feelings

First lets start with my most recent mental health “adventure.” So, summer of 2018 I was pregnant with our second daughter. (Technically 3rd, but our first I didn’t conceive, my husbands first wife did.) Anyway, we had just moved from Virginia to Utah after my separation from the Navy. We moved in with my parents temporarily until Will, my husband found a job and we could rent a house. Well, my parents have smoked since I was younger and being pregnant I couldn’t handle being around it. Despite me asking, my mom would still smoke in the house. However, when it came to my brother or my sister being here, she wouldn’t smoke around them or their kids. Will and I had gone to Colorado because he had an interview. While we were there my mom promised me she was going to quit smoking in the house. I was so happy it made me cry. This was right before my brothers girls were going to stay with her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt thinking, it was something that would be permanent because she promised and said she was deep cleaning and then going to stop smoking in the house. Well that didn’t last long the day the girls left we had been gone and when we came home the room we stayed in smelled like someone had just smoked in there. I could smell it and I was pissed. Why the hell promise you are going to promise to do something and then not do it. I was so angry. Not just angry with her, but mostly with her. I wouldn’t talk to anyone and when Will said something to me I old him I didn’t want to talk to him, because him along with everything just think my feelings are a joke. It wasn’t long until my Dad asked me what the deal was and said we need to fix whatever is going on. Let me tell you something, I have never yelled at my Dad, honestly I was more scared of him than my mom and I cant even tell you why. That day I not only yelled at my Dad, I screamed, in his face. I wasn’t mad at him, but it was kind of like when someone asks you what’s wrong when you are crying and you just start bawling hysterically. It was like that, but with anger, so much anger. This was after the week prior, when I yelled at Will in front of my cousin and her husband. I mean it was something I should have been upset about. But not to the point to yell at him. Especially not in front of anyone. Well that’s when I decided I couldn’t handle what was going on with me and I needed help. I went to the VA and they got me on medication, Prozac to be exact, right away. That really helped until after I had Elizabeth in September, I could feel my anger and frustration start to come back more fierce. I went back to the Doctor and we played musical medication for months. Back and forth between Wellbutrin and Prozac until March. In March the day before my next appointment with my Psychiatrist I get a notice saying my appointment is cancelled. The day of my appointment they call to tell me it was cancelled and that he wasn’t seeing patients anymore. They made me an appointment with the new Psychiatrist and when I went to see her, she didn’t want to put me on anything because I was still nursing. My old Psychiatrist had a plan. He was going to add Wellbutrin to Prozac. Well she took me from 40 mg of Prozac a day down to 20 and told me to let her know when I stop nursing. She was distracted our whole appointment. So when I left I was in panic mode. I went to see the Therapist at the University I am going too. Did you know some schools have this option and its included in your tuition? I am so thankful for that option I don’t know where I would be today if I didn’t have it. We called so many places trying to find someone to get my on different medication. Anything. I had a mental breakdown. She wouldn’t let me leave and wanted me to go to the hospital because she was worried about my safety. That was the best thing to happen to me. It was that moment that got me on the right track. The next day I had an appointment with the counseling center and then the following week my mental assessment. Granted it wasn’t like a day away, but just knowing I was getting help gave me some comfort. I did have to go to Urgent Care to get something to help with my anxiety. But other than that I was ok. It hasn’t been an easy process, they have said I’m bipolar to they don’t want to put that in my folder yet to we know there is some mood instability there but we don’t know the cause yet. So, now I am on a mood stabilizer. Facebook really helps the stability of my feelings, I see so many family members commenting or liking others posts or supporting their new ventures, but they don’t do anything with mine. If anything I get told don’t do this or that on Facebook. Then I decide to get off of Facebook and all I hear from people is why aren’t you on Facebook anymore. Umm, because its depressing and it makes people feel unimportant and no one can make up their minds what they want. Its frustrating… So, do you ever feel like you are a joke? Like no matter what you do, no one takes you seriously? Then when you tell that person/people, they brush you off like you’re either crazy or just being too sensitive? I have gone through this my whole life, with friends and family. Now when I get upset about anything, the first thing people jump to is “Are you taking your medication?” or “I cant wait until your medication starts working!” Not thinking about maybe what they said to me or how they said it, because most of the time what they said was rude. Yes I might get defensive, but when it happens all the time, it’s irritating. I feel like no matter what I do, or how well I do it, no one has ever been or will ever be proud of me. But you bet your ass, I screw up it gets thrown right in my face. God forbid anyone else be held accountable for their shitty attitude towards me right? I am beginning to learn, it’s not me. I think that’s the thing with depression and anxiety is we hold everything anyone says to us on our shoulders. I said once I feel like the black sheep of the family. My mom told me she doesn’t have any black sheep. However, that’s not how I feel. I try to have a relationship with my family, but when I feel like I am the only one trying most of the time if not all the time why the hell even bother? My sister Summer, has always been there for me no matter what. Sure she has had points where she has hurt my feelings and not realized it, but I have to her too. I think she is the only one who doesn’t make everything I say and do sound like a joke. I don’t know if making me look dumb makes my family feel good or what. I feel very accomplished for my age and it frustrates me when I’m not taken seriously. I have overcome addiction, sex, drugs, alcohol. You name it. Am I proud of that? Yes! I graduated high school, joined the military and now I am going back to college to get my degrees. All the while I have two small children to take care of, now I am taking care of my mom when my Dad is at work, because she has a broken back and cant do much. On top of that I am going to school full-time and did I mention we have 5 chickens, 2 ducks, 2 turkeys and 2 dogs… I have my hands full. But instead of people telling me how great I am doing (family wise) I get ragged on about everything else. Why isn’t my house spotless? Why am I not more organized, why don’t I do this or that!! And then they wonder why I get defensive. I’m exhausted! I do this 2 weeks out of the month by myself. Its hard as hell, I am behind on bills, I just got diagnosed with ADHD but are people understanding of that, of course not. I’m not complaining or venting, what I am doing is trying to share my story with you. I want you to know you are not alone. I am showing you everything here and that is scary, but if it helps even one person it is worth it.