Learning to be understanding…

My mom told me that being around me has been hard for everyone. Hearing this really hurt me. I want people to be around me, especially when I want to be around them. Well my medication has finally started to work after switching it a few times. Now I am on a mood stabilizer and Adderall. There’s so many judgements about medication and I understand that, but I also have to say it feels great when you start to feel like your normal self. First off I was so excited for my husband to get home after being at work for two weeks. When he got home, he spent the first few days either outside or gone, while I was inside taking care of the girls and doing homework. Normally I would be pissed right away. But I had to tell myself, be thankful for the things he does instead of focus on the things he doesn’t do. I did this for 4 days, on the 4th day I had had enough! Yes he had been helping me, but every time I sat down to do my homework, he would ask me to get up to do something. I had been trying to work on my homework all week. Every assignment I have is due either Saturday night or Sunday night and I really hate waiting til last minute because I spend literally all day Friday, Saturday and Sunday doing homework! This weekend I was beyond exhausted, I have a teething 9 month old which means no sleep and a ton of crying. Plus I have an almost 3 year old and she is starting to go through the stage of being emotional about everything, like something being the color yellow (not really, but she’ll cry and when I ask her what’s wrong she says she dont know). And after Will got home I would be holding both my crying babies while he was trying to explain something to me about guns… I’ll be honest I was having times I felt so smothered. Like just GET OFF ME!! One of the classes I am taking is Psychology, its Everyday Behavior Analysis. Which this is making me understand reasons for some of my behavior or anger. For instance when my Tiny was smaller Will could not handle taking care of her and Ellie for 5 minutes without calling me freaking out, telling me I needed to get home right away because Tiny was crying and wouldn’t stop. Well eventually I started to panic before I even went to do anything, whether it was me going to the store, going to get my hair done or going to class. That’s because I got used to him freaking out on me everytime I went to go do anything. So, now I anticipate him telling me to come home right after I leave. So, in reality I never get a mental break. There is always some sort of stressor in my head. Sorry, I rambled a little. Back to me getting overwhelmed and frustrated this weekend. Yesterday I was trying to get the last bit of my homework done and first Will asked me to put clothes away, then I had to get up to get the baby even though he was only folding clothes. Before you think, well at least he was doing something, I know he was and I do appreciate it. But, school is my job and so is being a Mom. However if I fail or do bad in my classes that is less money every semester/month that I get to help our family. I was ok with helping with the clothes. What pissed me off was he asked me if I had any food made. We had had these delicious tacos 2 nights before and I told him we had some of that. I asked him if he wanted that and said yes please. Yes, he was nice about it. But, first off he knows I was working on homework and next he was sitting on his ass watching TV. Yes he was folding clothes, but he was also relaxing. This made me feel like what I was doing was unimportant or insignificant to him. I still didn’t say anything, well he reloads his own bullets and he spent a good portion of doing that yesterday. When he did come upstairs, he didn’t help me with the girls. Not until I would get up to pick up the baby and then he would tell me to give her to him. After so many times I had it. I went downstairs, trying not to get upset at him. Well he followed me downstairs asking me what my problem was and I lost it. I have gone over this with him multiple times in the past. And he never tries to make it easies where I can do my homework until I get pissed off. So, everytime I need to do homework and he is home I anticipate that this is going to happen. This time I had hoped because I wasn’t getting upset all the time that he would be more understanding and more willing to help me. Well that didn’t happen. After we got into a huge argument, and I cried and didn’t talk to him. It took him a minute but he understood. He, felt bad and tried to give me some quiet time to do my homework. I felt for a minute like my medication had failed me. But I realize I am still going to have emotions, I am just more in control of them then I was before and my medication is what is helping my brain to not react instantly in a negative way. I still have a ways to go, but I am starting to understand my behavior a little more. I do wish men would be more understanding. I called my mom because I was frustrated and she just told me, well as is a man and they just dont think like we do. I got upset, like so I am just supposed to not say anything and expect that he isn’t going to help me? Then she told me no one can tell me anything, which is something she says to me all the time. I almost hung up on her, which is what I normally do when I get upset. But this time before I did I took a deep breath and didn’t hang up. I calmed myself down and tried to let her explain what she meant. But it still sounded to me like she was saying basically to get over it. Well obviously just getting over it is just not who I am. At the end of the day I was able to complete my homework before midnight and to go to sleep. Plus this morning Will got up with the girls and I was able to sleep in a little bit which helped me tremendously. I wish I didn’t have to be a crazy person to get this. He was able to buy two guns and I ordered him a lot of Patriots stuff for Father’s Day/our anniversary. I expected he would understand that I appreciate him because this is something I used to do frequently, that I haven’t done in a long time. But I cant let myself be upset by the way expect him to respond if he doesn’t respond that way. Anyway, therapy helps so I can explain how I feel and my medication does too. Trying to get help is really worth it once you find someone that can help. Thankfully mine is basically a counseling team. I want to encourage you, if you are going through a rough time, get some help. It might take some work, but there is someone out there that will listen and be able to help you. When I get my degree, it might just be me. My goal is to help anyone and everyone I can. I hope you are able to find resources to help you long before that, because I dont know how long that will take. However, I am here to lend a listening ear and maybe someone will read your response and be in similar shoes. I know none of us are going through the same troubles, but they might be similar. Sending love to you all.